Hazards of Ambassadorial Work

"So, Gris, I think the Terran government can come to some arrangement--"

The office door slammed open and a group of Caparans waddled in, chittering so fast that, initially, the translator couldn't keep up. Caparans, at least to Olivia, looked like a cross between a capybara and a penguin, and it was really difficult to keep a straight face when the group of four came rushing into her office. Usually, Caparans were calm and quiet, considering their ancestors were initially prey animals. Olivia, who had been the ambassador to Capara for years now, kept calm. "Can I help you?" she asked the group that came in.

Olivia noted that Gris, her Caparan liaison, went pink with distress in their small ears and made a good show of becoming one with the wall. Her secretary ran into the room after the intruders.

"I'm sorry, ma'am! They just ran right through and they had no weapons, so we thought it was some sort of emergency."

Gris jumped and shook their head. "It is an emergency! They are assassins!" they squeaked in terror.

"Assassins?"

Gris nodded, staring. "They've come to insult you to death!"

Olivia took a breath, her mouth a thin line, as she tried really hard not to laugh. She had heard about how Caparans were very susceptible to insults, sometimes to the point where it would become a medical issue, but the Caparans were so careful to ensure a harmonious society that she'd never seen anyone insult anyone else on purpose. Olivia cleared her throat and said, "Dennis, can you escort Gris to a quiet room while I deal with these... uh... assassins?" She turned to Gris. "It's all right, my friend. I'll be all right."

"Are you sure?" Gris asked, their ears turing even redder, their blood pressure rising.

Olivia nodded and gave the Caparan gesture for the affirmative. "Yes, please, go with Dennis now."

Dennis bowed to the Caparan liaison and Gris followed him out. I breathed a sigh of relief we hadn't had to call the medical team.

The other Caparans had gone quiet as they watched Gris leave the room. They were wearing black sashes over their bodies, and one of them had a gold broach on their sash. Olivia assumed that was the leader, and addressed them directly. "I ask again, how can I help you?"

"You are an abomination to this planet!" shouted the leader through the translator.

"Oh?"

"You hair is a strange color!" said one of the others. "You eat rotten fish!" said another. The insults kept coming from the four Caparans, but after a few minutes, when Olivia didn't react to them at all, they started to lose heart. "You are a weird tall two-legged fool!" said the leader in a final attempt to get a rise out of the human.

Olivia couldn't stand it anymore and busted out laughing, much to the leader's dismay. The Caparans stepped back, their ears going slightly pink in confusion. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry," she said between breaths. "Please, continue."

"Continue?!" squeaked the lead assassin. "You should be dead by now!"

"Did your superiors not tell you about humans?" Olivia asked.

The Caparans looked at each other, giving each other the Caparan equivalent of a shrug. The lead assassin looked perplexed. "No?" they said.

Olivia took a seat behind her desk, barely keeping her face straight. "Humans aren't susceptible to injury from insults and stress like Caparans. In fact, humans can take a lot of insults without even getting upset. And really, friends," she said with a smile, "my mother has said worse insults to me over breakfast!"

They all went wide-eyed in shock. "Your parent insults you?"

"She doesn't do it to hurt me. It's called teasing. It's meant to be funny. Uh, humorous. For a lot of humans, to tease in fun means we care about the other person, or that we're comfortable enough with them to joke around like that. Don't get me wrong, it can be done in a mean way like you attempted, but that kind of teasing is generally discouraged." Olivia paused. "I have a very calm demeanor, though, so insults and teasing has never really bothered me. Because I can be so calm is why my people sent me here to be ambassador."

"Humans a much more formidable than our Leader thought!" whispered one of the lackeys.

"I will have to report you, though," Olivia said. "My apologies for that."

The lead assassin bowed, head to the floor. The other followed suit. "Yes, Ambassador Barnes. We await your judgement."

Olivia sighed and tapped her desk tablet. "Dennis?"

"Yes, ma'am?"

"Is Gris all right?"

"Yes. I have given them some chamomile tea. Apparently, it's one of the human herbs that is all the rage at the moment. It works a lot more like a sedative on them than us, I think."

"Good. Can you call the local authorities? The Caparans that came truly are assassins, but their, um, methodology didn't work."

"Yes, ma'am. Right away, ma'am," Dennis replied, and the connection closed.

The Caparans didn't move, and Olivia was content to let them stay there until the local authorities showed up. She shook her head in amusement as she tapped on her tablet and tried to think of how to write her report.