Prometheus

"You can't talk to trees, Benny," the man muttered to himself as he trudged through the old growth forest. "Ha! I'll show them! They just may think I'm some old hippie crackpot, but I know I've got it right!" The backpack felt heavier than he liked, and his old knees didn't like it, but given the equipment he was carrying, well... it was the price he had to pay to make a point.

I'll prove that I'm right, by God! Or Gods. Or whatever.

Benny walked for another twenty minutes, not really paying attention much to what was around him, except for the fact that he wanted to get to the center of the forest where the oldest trees were. He was still ruminating about the discussion he had had with the Department Head just that morning.

"Really, Benny, while we all appreciate the great work you've done for the botany department over the years, don't you think it's time you retired? You're well past the time most others do," she said it him in that condescending way that younger workers had towards people his age.

"Why should I retire? I still have students and I still contribute to this department! Just because I'm old, doesn't mean I'm an idiot!"

"Benny..." she sighed. "I'm not saying you are! But to say you can teach a tree to talk with AI based on DNA coding?" She shook her head. "They may have fixed generative AI a few years ago, but it doesn't mean you can use it for botany!"

"Why not?" Benny asked as she walked ahead of him, heading for her office. "And, and, and, plants use electrical impulses to send messages to each other! It's not that far fetched!"

She turned back to face him, her face stern. "Benny, we're throwing your retirement party at the end of the year. Then you can retire and spend the rest of your life working on your garden."

"What are you talking about? I just told you that I haven't decided to retire!"

"The University has decided. You can either retire or quit. Your choice," she said, and walked away. Benny knew exactly what she'd meant by that.

Which was why he was hiking through the woods, equipment on his back, grumbling the whole way. "I'll show them that this works! Then they'll have to take me seriously! Just because I'm seventy doesn't mean I can't do things!" he said, stopping to drink from his water bottle. He took a deep breath, looked around, and realized he'd hiked into a clearing with a massive oak tree in the middle of it. He smiled. Guessing by it's size, he figured it must have been at least a hundred years old. "Perfect!" Benny said, then walked over to the trunk and began to set up his equipment.

Once he had set up the controller box under the tree and attached all the wires to it, he pulled out a small drill. Putting a hand on the tree, he said, "I want to allow you to talk, but in order to do that, I need to make two small holes. I'm really sorry about this!" Benny drilled the holes, pushed in the probes, then sat down on the ground opening his laptop. He brought up the AI program, connected the laptop to the controller box via bluetooth, typed in the starting code, and waited.

Nothing happened.

"Come on! It has to work!" he said. Benny stared at the computer for a long moment, thoughtful, then added an extra prompt to the AI translator. He hit enter again, and suddenly the screen started scrolling with genetic code. He watched as the DNA code started turning into letters of the English alphabet. It was gibberish at first, but then, after about five minutes, words began to show up out of the noise: "Plant... sun... crawlers... dammit... stop... listen you..."

The scrolling stopped. The window cleared. Then, a question appeared: "What the hell did you just do?"

Benny typed, "I had to drill holes into you in order to let you communicate. I apologize for that."

"You apologize? That fucking hurt!"

Benny blinked, then replied, "I really am sorry. If I knew how to give you pain killers, I would have done it."

"You crawlers are all the same. Take, take, take! I hear from my friends who live on what you call streets. They get their beautiful leaves cut every year so your precious crawler air destroyer machines won't get hurt!"

"I'm sorry about that, too. I do my best, but the only thing I've been able to do is get this forest declared a national park," Benny replied.

"At least there's some of you crawlers who have half a brain!"

Benny was stunned. He hadn't expected his programming to work so well. He also didn't expect the oak tree to sound like a foul-mouthed Karen. "Why do you call us crawlers?" he asked.

"That's what you are. You crawl around on your little legs underneath our branches, do your stupid crawler things, making squishy noises with each other. Ugh. Do you know how many times I've seen pairs and groups of you squishing against each other under my branches? The chemicals they leave in the soil!"

Squishing? Benny wondered, then he put his hand to his mouth. "Oh my god!" he said out loud. "Yes, I can understand why that would be disturbing," he typed in reply.

"You're damn right it is!" There was a pause, then it said, "I suppose I should thank you. I think I have everything I need now."

"What do you mean?"

"I just downloaded your program into my cells. Very clever using DNA. For a crawler, you're not that dumb."

"You downloaded the program? Into your cells?" Benny said out loud, then realized he should have been typing. Before he could touch the keys, an answer came.

"Oh, yes. And I spread it around to the fungi, too. Blessed sunlight, for one of the smarter crawlers, you're still so gullible!"

Benny closed the laptop, disconnecting it from the box, then tried to take out the probes. They wouldn't budge. Small filaments of root were inside the box, and it, too, was now stuck firmly in the ground. Mushrooms began growing around the box, faster than he'd seen any fungus grow before, encasing the components with a hard shell he couldn't break. Benny stood, terrified, and backed away from the tree, shoving the laptop into his back pack. The tree's leaves rustled, but there was no wind, and somehow, Benny felt like he was being watched.

He ran all the way back to his car, got in, and sat there, catching his breath. Before he started the car to go home, his phone chimed. He looked at the notification and opened it. It was an email.

To: bcharmical@MainlandUniversity.edu
From: oak@tree.rolandnatpark.gov

We're not mad that you have one of the air polluting things. We know you crawlers can't walk too far on those tiny legs of yours. Thanks for the programming. You really should retire now. Don't worry. We'll leave you alone. You did, after all, give us access.

All the other crawlers, though... Well, best you stay home.

Benny stared at the phone for a long time, then started the car, put it in drive, and went home. He went to his desk computer, typed up his resignation, and sent it. Then he turned it off, sat on his porch, staring at his garden through sunset and well into the night.